novelI Stab, Stab, Stab, Stab, Stab
| ← Ch.049 | Ch.051 → |
Translated by Eve
Edited by Kara
15. I Stab, Stab, Stab, Stab, Stab
In the end, Xie He wasn't severely injured. Aside from the abdominal bruises, there was only the one wound on his face. When he woke up, he found himself lying in Deng Jingwen's arms. Below them was the same huge bed that he knew so well.
He had returned home.
"Xiao Zhuo..." Deng Jingwen hadn't slept all night. He noticed the boy waking at once. When he recalled the boy's condition when he had found him, when he recalled that sinister wound, his heart ached dully. However, he could not let his feelings show, because he had to be strong, strong enough for the boy to depend on. Thus, he only held the boy and used a nonchalant voice to say, "You're awake. Are you hungry?"
Xie He looked up and gazed at him with a dull and distant look. He did not respond.
Deng Jingwen didn't know why, but his heart felt empty when facing this kind of gaze. In those eyes... there was no longer any worship or dependence. There wasn't even fear or reverence either. There was simply nothing. It was like the boy was indifferently looking at a stranger. 𝐟𝗿𝒆𝐞𝓌e𝒃𝒏oѵ𝒆𝒍 - 🅽🅽novel
Although the boy was in his arms, he felt like he had already lost him.
This realization made Deng Jingwen's heart gradually sink.
"Mn? Why aren't you responding?" Deng Jingwen lowered his head slightly, lips nearly touching the boy's forehead. His voice was gentle, but beneath was an undertone of extremely stifled, nearly imperceptible unease. He smiled, "Are you blaming me for coming so late? I'm sorry. It's my fault. Only, I promise that you will never be in danger like this again. Forgive me this once, OK?"
Xie He's expression finally relaxed just a bit. He shifted his eyes a bit and looked at Deng Jingwen, "I don't blame you. Thank you."
Deng Jingwen froze. The smile on his face seemed rather forced, "What... are you thanking me for?"
Xie He calmly said, "Thank you for coming to save me." I thought that you wouldn't come. Actually, it wouldn't have mattered even if you hadn't.
Deng Jingwen's arms slowly tightened around the boy as if he could confirm that the boy was still in his arms, confirm that he still had him.... He said, "Me coming to save you is to be expected. No need to thank me."
Xie He shook his head slowly, voice very soft but his enunciation very clear, "I'm not your son. You didn't have to save me, but you still saved me So, I should thank you. Unfortunately, I don't have anything to pay you back with. Sorry."
As he spoke, his expression remained calm from beginning to end. He didn't throw a fit. It was as if he was calmly reciting a fact.
He no longer had any expectations. It was only natural that he would have neither anger nor discontent.
Deng Jingwen's heart finally sunk to an all-time low.
He had always wished that the boy would acknowledge that he was not his father... now, the boy finally did, but he didn't feel happy at all. This wasn't what he had wanted. He had wanted the boy to see him as his lover, not a stranger.
There was pain in Deng Jingwen's eyes. He forced himself to remain calm though and said, "I know that you're not in a good mood right now, which is why you're trying to make me angry."
Xie He looked at him calmly, "Sorry... it wasn't my intention to anger you."
Deng Jingwen fell silent for a long while and said, "Then, don't say things like that anymore. Rest well. I'll go get you something to eat."
He left the room. Where Xie He couldn't see him, he landed a heavy punch against the wall!
Who could have expected that there would be a day where he would want to deceive himself?
He didn't want to admit that the boy didn't love him, that he didn't care about him.
He didn't want to admit that in the boy's eyes, he was nothing but a cold-hearted, ruthless stranger who would hurt him.
Once Deng Jingwen left, Xie He got up and went into the washroom. However, the mirror in the washroom had disappeared. He lifted a hand to touch his face. On his right cheek, there was thick gauze. Because the anesthetic had already worn off, there was a burning pain. Nonetheless... even without seeing it, he could tell how horrifying he probably looked.
When Deng Jingwen returned, he saw that the boy was no longer in bed. A bad premonition arose in his heart. Indeed, he found the boy standing in the washroom, quietly facing where the mirror had once been.
His heart felt like it was being squeezed all over again. He paid no attention to his own pain and despair, quickly walking over... before he had taken the boy home, he had ordered people to get rid of all of the mirrors. He was afraid that the boy would be devastated upon seeing himself.
However, who would be fooled, ne?
This was the boy he loved. Originally, he had wanted to protect him, but he wasn't able to do it.
He didn't know how he could ever forgive himself.
Deng Jingwen gazed at the boy's weak figure. He wrapped his arms around his waist, hugging him from behind. He did his best to make his voice evidently calm and gentle, "Xiao Zhuo, let's go eat, OK?"
But, the boy did not react. He only stood there, expressionless, as if he hadn't noticed the other's presence at all.
Deng Jingwen held the boy. He felt like his throat was being choked by something. Although he wanted to say something, it was difficult. He slowly said, "Be good. Come out with me, OK?"
A long time after... Xie He finally turned around. The gauze on his right cheek had been peeled off, revealing a sinister wound. The blood-red wound extended from his lips to his ear. The dense, crisscrossing, black lines looked like a frightening centipede entrenching itself into a red gorge.
He fixed his gaze firmly onto Deng Jingwen. At this distance... he could faintly make out his own face reflected in the other's eyes.
Although there was no mirror, he knew that he was no longer beautiful. If one looked a bit longer, they would even find him nauseating, ba....
When he thought of this, he suddenly smiled. His smile was very relaxed, very pleased, as if he was finally relieved of a heavy burden. He had always known that he was good-for-nothing trash aside from his face. That was probably the only part of him worth taking a second look at.
Therefore, what Deng Jingwen must have taken a liking to was his face, that's all.
He had thrown away his dignity and used this face to beg the man for mercy. He had stayed by the man's side using contemptible, lowly ways. He clearly knew that although he did all this, all that would come from it was humiliation, but he couldn't bear to leave... he held onto a tiny bit of hope. He thought that this man would care for him, even just a little bit.
Now, he no longer needed to hesitate, because he had lost his final bargaining chip.
However, he didn't feel upset. Instead, it felt like he was a gambling addict, who could not free himself from his addiction, who finally lost all his money. He only felt free.
The corner of Xie He's lips raised, causing the wound to move too. That once extremely gorgeous smile currently looked ugly and twisted. However, his tone was relaxed and happy as if he didn't mind at all.
He said, "Sir, you once said that I am only worth keeping here if I can please my man."
"I think that I can't stay any longer."
"Because, I already have no means to please you."
Every single one of the boy's harsh words fell onto Deng Jingwen's ears. Each one was like another sharp needle stabbing into his heart.
He had personally said this. If he had known that one day he would love his boy like this, he would have never treated him so cruelly. Deng Jingwen shut his eyes, covering the deep pain within. He was guilty, and all of this was the punishment he deserved... but... the boy shouldn't have been the one to bear the consequences.
He reached out to rub the boy's head softly and whispered, "Whether or not you're worth keeping, so long as I think you are, it's fine. I think that you're worth keeping, so don't let that imagination of yours run wild, OK?"
Xie He stared at him, slowly shaking his head, "But, Sir, I don't want to stay."
Even if the boy didn't say this, Deng Jingwen already knew. Be that as it may, he could not let him go, let him leave his side. Who else could protect his boy? The boy would be humiliated by others. He would drift through a difficult life. He might even... die in a remote area without him knowing. He absolutely could not bear this.
What was even more unbearable was the thought that there would be a day where he could not see the boy.
Deng Jingwen was silent for a few seconds. He then said, "I won't allow it."
Xie He glanced at him. He then cast his eyes downwards and did not speak again. In front of Deng Jingwen, he had never had any leeway to resist. Since it was always like this, why even bother fighting things? In any case, this person... would never care about his opinion.
Deng Jingwen carefully carried the boy and placed him on the bed. He quickly called the doctor over to re-wrap the wound.
From beginning to end, Xie He was exceptionally calm. He did not cry out that it hurt or make a fuss. Even the doctor was astonished. He quickly dealt with the wound and warned that Xie He must not remove the gauze again or let the wound get wet. He then left.
The soup Deng Jingwen had carried in was already cold. He went out and got a new bowl before coming back in. He used a spoon to scoop some up and blew on it to cool it a bit. He then brought it to the boy's mouth, "Eat a bit, ba."
Xie He didn't move. He was like a lifeless wooden doll just sitting there.
Deng Jingwen's heart spasmed with pain, but he remained patient. He coaxed, "I know it really hurts, but you have to eat something."
Xie He still didn't move. He didn't even look up.
Deng Jingwen's eyes darkened. He suppressed the pain and helplessness inside. His lips were pressed into a straight line. A long time after, he lowered his voice, "Listen to me. Otherwise, I'll punish you."
Hearing the word "punishment, " Xie He's expression finally changed a bit. After a while, he slowly opened his mouth, closed his lips around the spoon, and swallowed.
Deng Jingwen was finally able to feed him a bowl of soup at last.
Deng Jingwen went back to the kitchen. He placed the bowl down and stood at the sink for a long time, not moving.
He didn't want to admit that he was hurting so bad that he wanted to escape right now.
This version of the boy... that numb appearance without a single ounce of the liveliness that he once had....
Before, so long as he showed even the slightest bit of gentleness, the slightest hint of a smile, the boy would smile at him happily. The boy who would circle around him joyously had completely disappeared. He no longer needed his gentleness. He no longer wanted his kindness. He didn't need him.
Only after losing him did he realize just how rare and precious the shabby, worn-out shoes that he had abandoned were.
Yet, because it had been so easy to get him before, he hadn't known how to cherish him. That was why he could so easily trample all over him... he used to think that he wouldn't care, but the reality was different. He really needed... actually, the one who needed the other person was actually him all along.
【Ding, the target, Deng Jingwen's Favourability Value +2. The current Favourability Value is 94. 】
While Xie He was drinking soup, he was actually maintaining an expressionless appearance of having nothing to live for while browsing the system exchange store and chatting with 444.
【Xie He：How are the painkillers from the system store?】
【444：They're all pretty good!】
【Xie He：And, they're not expensive. Give me 10 packs. 】
【444：OK!】
【Xie He：Are there any new low calorie delicacies that won't make me fat? Recommend me something, Baby. 】
【444：OK! \(≧▽≦)/】
【Xie He：Wait... give me an emetic first! I'll eat after throwing it all up. 】
When Deng Jingwen returned, he saw the boy collapsed on the side of the bed without any strength. The food he had eaten with much difficulty had all been vomited out. Deng Jingwen rushed to support the boy and personally helped him wipe his mouth. He then brought water to his lips, "Rinse your mouth."
The boy didn't resist him. He obediently took a sip. Because his wound had been pulled when he was throwing up, he couldn't help but finally reveal a pained expression. His fingers clenched tightly around the bedside.
Deng Jingwen's heart ached terribly. His boy had been pampered and spoiled since childhood. How could he bear this kind of pain.... ?
He gently hugged the boy. Zhao Hong... An extremely cold expression appeared in Deng Jingwen's eyes. He would not let off anyone who hurt his boy.
....................................
From that day on, Deng Jingwen didn't take a single step away from Xie He as he took care of him. Xie He was very cooperative and did not fight him. He seemed to really know how to encapsulate "being disobedient when he should be obedient and being obedient when he shouldn't." He used his docile and subservient manner to slowly stab Deng Jingwen's heart.
For example, when Deng Jingwen fed him, he'd eat it obediently. However, when he finished eating, he'd throw it all up, causing himself to get much thinner.
Another example: he wouldn't resist when Deng Jingwen held him to sleep. However, he would wake up with a blood-curdling scream in the middle of the night, scaring Deng Jingwen awake. Deng Jingwen would then have to coax him until the wee hours of the morning.
Or, another example was how he never called him Dad anymore. He would only call him Sir. Moreover, he would look extremely afraid to see him.
Each knife stabbed at his heart with amazing precision.
Some time passed by in this fashion. They finally removed the stitches from Xie He's wound. Accumulated pain and powerlessness had gradually filled Deng Jingwen's eyes with darkness and dejection. At the slightest sign of trouble, Deng Jingwen would become awfully nervous.
And yet, Xie He was still not satisfied.
【Xie He：Dad has proven himself to be a strong person. Even like this, his Favourability Value doesn't rise. I feel the joy that comes from a good challenge again. 🙂 】
【444：...... 】Why did he suddenly feel a bit sympathetic towards Deng Jingwen? This must be a misperception, ba.
【Xie He：It's clear to see that I am being too gentle and understanding to Dad. 】
【444：O(∩_∩)O~】Indeed, really "gentle"....
【Xie He：It seems like Dad isn't biting with this method. A rough person like Dad would certainly prefer a more rough method. Smile. JPG】
【Xie He：Time for drastic measures.:)】
444：... I will maintain my silence.
While Xie He's wound had healed and did not look as malevolent as before, that long, faint red scar was still very eye-catching on his pale face. It was as if there was a single slash on the most beautiful painting. It made people feel that it was such a pity, and they would feel helpless as well.
Deng Jingwen had contacted the best plastic surgeon in the field. He had an entire team assembled. He was just waiting for the boy to recover before having him undergo surgery.
Today, he watched the boy force himself to eat. He couldn't help but feel greatly distressed at the sight.
Deng Jingwen hugged the boy and spoke with a soft voice, "I hired the best plastic surgeon for you. He will definitely make you better. You will get better...."
Xie He finally reacted to this. He lowered his head and asked, "Really?"
This was the first time in a long time that the boy had taken the initiative to speak to him. Deng Jingwen looked happy and said, "Yes. You will definitely go back to the way you were. Trust me."
Xie He did not respond for quite some time. A long time later, his body shook slightly. He raised his head, and with an indifferent gaze, he looked at Deng Jingwen and said, "Sir, I don't have to get treated."
Deng Jingwen stared back at that blank gaze of his. His heart instantly sunk. There was no joy in those eyes, only endless indifference... this kind of reaction was outside of his expectations, making him feel exceptionally uneasy. He asked, "Why?"
Xie He looked at him coldly. Gradually, hate and loathing appeared in his eyes, but his tone was calm, "I think that I am very good like this, so I don't want to get treated."
Deng Jingwen fell silent for a moment and then attempted to persuade, "Don't make a fuss... I just want you to get better... listen to me, OK?"
However, these words seemed to agitate Xie He instead. He could no longer continue feigning serenity. He suddenly pushed Deng Jingwen away, shaking from head-to-toe, and shouted, "I said that I don't want to get treated! I won't do it, I won't do it!"
As he shouted, tears filled his eyes. The red scar on his beautiful face warped, expression grim and terrifying. He stared at Deng Jingwen with red eyes and enunciated, "This is the reason why you kept me here this whole time, right? After I get better, I can please you again."
"Sir, is my face really that good-looking? Is it so good-looking to the point where you won't let me go even now?"
Xie He reached out and touched the bumpy scar on his face. Very nice. He had originally thought that he wouldn't have to please this man if he was like this. But, he unexpectedly wanted to have him treated. He glared at Deng Jingwen fiercely and parted his lips, nearly sobbing, "I only regret that at that time, Zhao Ling didn't slash me a few more times. That way, I wouldn't be able to get treated."
"That way... you won't like me."
"If you didn't like me, how good would it be?"
Deng Jingwen stared at the boy fixedly... a sharp pain in his heart made him numb.
So, this was what the boy really thought? Had he always thought this... ? Did he think that the reason why he had kept him here, why he had given it his all to take care of him, why he had found a way to treat him, was because he wanted to continue possessing him? Underneath that meek exterior hid an indignant and helpless surrender, complete despair from being unable to escape.
The boy, who had always yearned for his love, actually said to him: If you didn't like me, how good would that be?
For the boy, his affection was no longer something he wanted anymore, but rather, it was even a kind of burden and torture.
He had never hated himself like he did now.
He hated his cold and ruthless past self.
Many people had said that he would one day meet with his retribution. He hadn't believed them then... but now, he did.
He was already in so much pain that he couldn't breathe, but Deng Jingwen still didn't leave. He swallowed down all of the bloody pain and didn't show any of it on his face. In front of the boy, he only ever showed a feigned expression of gentleness and tolerance. He didn't want to scare him ever again.
Deng Jingwen reached out to hold the boy and said, "You don't need to please me. I just want you to get better. I don't have any other intentions."
I just hope that you can smile happily, continue standing under the sunlight, and live joyously... it's me who wants to please you.
Unfortunately, his words of comfort were of no use.
After all, you can only make someone happy if they are willing to let you.
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