novelSide Story (5) - He Didn't Want Love Anymore, He Only Wanted Gu Xi (2)
| ← Ch.099 | Ch.101 → |
Trigger warning: Implied suicide and 'gloomy' thoughts/mental breakdown in general (self-loathe, severe insecurities, inferiority complex that leads to hating one's look (a bit of body dysmorphia/shaming), overthinking, etc... To put it simply... a lot of emotional turmoil). Please be advised and skip through the part I've put in drop-down if you're not comfortable with these stuffs. Happy reading... I guess?
Editor: Amaris
Gu Xi looked at Shen Jiaze, his eyes looking weary, "What happened? Where have you been these two days?"
Shen Jiaze apologized, then said, "Nothing. Something happened at home, but I don't want to trouble you because I know that you've been busy."
Gu Xi paused.
Shen Jiaze said, "Are you hungry? I'll prepare a meal."
After entering the kitchen, Shen Jiaze used the tools he used to be unfamiliar with to make a stir-fry dish. As he stared at the dish on the plate, Shen Jiaze's heart was shrouded with an immense amount of sorrow—Shen Qingxu was very good at cooking.
Afterwards, the two got along peacefully for a few months.
In these months, both of them looked calm on the surface, but they were actually tired mentally and physically.
Shen Jiaze was always shrouded in Shen Qingxu's shadow.
Gu Xi had completely fallen out with his family; Father Gu had truly driven him out of the house, and he couldn't go to the company anymore. All of his funds were frozen, leaving Gu Xi with not a single penny left. He truly had no idea what he should do next.
He didn't tell Shen Jiaze about this, however. It was mainly because Shen Jiaze was about to graduate. He understood Shen Jiaze's temperament well; if the other knew that Gu Xi had come out of the closet, he might do the same to his parents. When the moment came... Everything would become even more chaotic than it already was.
Gu Xi still went out on time everyday, pretending to go to work. But actually, he was completely at a loss right now.
At this time, Ye Chen came to find Gu Xi.
He asked, "Haven't you always wanted to become a director?"
Gu Xi was baffled. Indeed, directing was his hobby. Before meeting Shen Jiaze, he had always thought of cutting ties with the Gu Family and doing his thing.
But after Gu Xi met Shen Jiaze, he knew that he mustn't be stubborn to realize his hobby. He had to carry the Gu Family's burden and get acknowledged by his father. Only this way would Gu Xi and Shen Jiaze probably be acknowledged. He also needed to prove himself to the Shen Family that he was worthy of Shen Jiaze's love.
With these in mind, there was no way he would become a director.
But now, everything was ruined. He had been pushed into a hopeless situation because of his impulse at the spur of the moment.
Ye Chen encouraged Gu Xi, "Let's work together, shall we? You'll be a director, and I... I'll be an actor! Right, I'll become your lead actor!"
Gu Xi responded after a long time, "Do you... even know how to act?"
Ye Chen replied, "I could learn even if I don't know how to act! It isn't something extremely difficult... Besides, I'm quite bored, so let's enter the entertainment circle together!"
Gu Xi, "..."
Ye Chen cleared his throat before continuing, "I could lend you some money, too... We've graduated, after all. Doesn't matter what we do at home, we must earn some secret savings first. It's just the right thing to do."
With that, Gu Xi took a U-turn on his career path.
Since when was Ye Chen interested in acting? Ye Chen simply wanted to help Gu Xi to come up with a solution by suggesting a view he would be able to accept, then push him up.
Gu Xi felt warm inside his heart. He finally regained his enthusiasm again.
What Ye Chen said was right. The most important thing for now was to earn money.
What else would be more profitable than being a director? There didn't seem to be many options for that.
Moreover, he was good at that field and fond of it. He would definitely be able to do it well!
As a result, Gu Xi became busy again. His mental condition became a lot better thanks to that. Although the road ahead was still unclear, he had a lover and a close friend by his side. He would definitely keep going no matter how bumpy the road ahead was!
This situation went on until Shen Jiaze graduated.
After he graduated, Grandma Shen couldn't just sit still anymore.
She had known about Shen Jiaze and Gu Xi's relationship since long ago. How could she let her precious grandson tread on a path with no return?
It was fine if they were only 'playing' when they were young, but it mustn't affect one's major affair in life.
Hence... The 'accident' in the hotel happened.
Gu Xi watched Shen Jiaze sleep with an unfamiliar girl.
No matter how long it had been and how clear the truth was once it was revealed, thinking back on that scene would always make Gu Xi feel top-heavy and unsteady.
He felt so exhausted as if the sky had collapsed. Gu Xi had not the slightest idea how he left the scene, went back home, or even how he calmed himself down at that time.
It might be a human's natural instinct of self-help which had affected Gu Xi. He didn't believe that Shen Jiaze would betray him; he absolutely didn't believe it.
The more he didn't believe it, the more the doubts grew on him, too.
What a coincidence... Why was Shen Jiaze in that hotel? Why was there someone who sent him a message regarding that?
It was obvious that someone had deliberately tried to lure him into believing this.
Gu Xi calmed down, then searched for Yu Xinghai and asked him to help investigate this matter.
Later, everything was out in the open. It was an 'amusing play' set up by Gu Xi's father and Shen Jiaze's grandma.
Shen Jiaze was innocent. Gu Xi heaved a sigh, feeling completely relieved.
He mustn't quarrel with Shen Jiaze because of this matter. He mustn't ruin their feelings because of this. He mustn't fall into their trap.
This was only the beginning, they would face a lot more obstacles in the near future. That way&#k2026; Nothing would go wrong between Gu Xi and Shen Jiaze.
Going back to Shen Jiaze, when he woke up, he felt that heaven had fallen and earth had been torn apart.
He had slept with an unfamiliar woman, and Gu Xi had seen him doing so&#k2026;
I'm done for, completely done for, everything is done for.
Gu Xi wouldn't want him anymore, he definitely wouldn't. He wouldn't want him even if he had this kind of look.
Shen Jiaze went to find Gu Xi while feeling terribly terrified. He tried to explain in a hurry, but Gu Xi was extremely calm instead. He simply said lightly, "I know that you wouldn't do that kind of thing."
Shen Jiaze was startled. He came to his senses after a long time had passed.
But his heart still hadn't calmed down and the fear he felt hadn't dispersed; they were clumped together instead, making him feel utter despair.
Gu Xi... didn't get angry. Gu Xi... didn't mind.
After such a thing happened, Gu Xi was actually very calm and let it go just like that.
Why?
The reason gnawed at his heart like it had been bitten by a poisonous snake.
There is no love.
One could not accept anything disagreeable when they were in love. Unless they were not in love, how could they just let go?
Shen Jiaze silently endured his feelings for half a year before he eventually couldn't hold back anymore.
In fact, Shen Jiaze had been delusional, imagining that Gu Xi had always loved him, that Gu Xi had looked at him. But now... he didn't dare to have any more wishful thinking.
He tried his best to comfort himself: It doesn't matter even if I'm only a substitute. Time will heal everything...
But he couldn't do it, he really couldn't.
The syrup had turned into acid. How could the heart even beat while being dipped into it?
Shen Jiaze truly had no idea what he should do.
He couldn't let go nor forget. He wanted to tighten his grip, but both of his hands were dripping with blood.
This moment was probably the most painful for the two of them.
In Gu Xi's eyes, Shen Jiaze had changed.
Not even Shen Jiaze knew whatever the hell he was doing.
He wanted to be someone different from Shen Qingxu, not wanting to be a substitute anymore. He wanted to make Gu Xi angry, because if he 'succeeded' in doing so, didn't that mean Gu Xi cared about Shen Jiaze?
Like a puberty that happened late, the dog that had been docile suddenly became extremely unruly and rebellious.
Shen Jiaze got so badly drunk that he became a total mess.
He stayed out all night, and didn't answer any of the calls.
He did a lot of things he had never done before. He expected, yet afraid, that Gu Xi would get angry.
Contrary to what Shen Jiaze expected, Gu Xi didn't get angry at all: When Shen Jiaze was drunk, Gu Xi would take care of him; when he didn't come home, Gu Xi would look for him everywhere; when he didn't answer Gu Xi's calls, Gu Xi would send and leave messages to him...
Truth to be told, Gu Xi had misunderstood at that time.
He didn't know Shen Jiaze's truest feelings, he only thought that Shen Jiaze was provoked by his family. Coming out of the closet wasn't an easy thing to do after all, he knew that better than anyone. Shen Jiaze had to have been under a lot of pressure lately, thus, wanting to vent his emotions was an ordinary thing to do.
Gu Xi felt that he should be tolerant towards Shen Jiaze. He should comfort him and give him some time to adjust himself.
But he had been gravely mistaken to think like that.
His tolerance only kept pushing Shen Jiaze deeper into hell.
Is this the normal way for lovers to treat each other?
It isn't. It definitely isn't.
This was too unusual for Shen Jiaze.
The more he faced Gu Xi who was calm, tolerant, and lenient, the more Shen Jiaze felt that they were not lovers.
At the very least, Gu Xi never treated Shen Jiaze as a lover.
Maybe Gu Xi just wanted Shen Jiaze's look, which was why he tolerated whatever he did. As long as he still had this look with him, he could do whatever he wanted to.
For a long time, Shen Jiaze couldn't bear to look at himself in the mirror.
In such a morbid situation, Shen Jiaze really wasn't aware of what he had done.
Suffering all kinds of torment.
Nothing could describe their situation better than these five words.
Gu Xi had been really busy outside, yet when he returned, he saw a group of people who were staggering here and there.
Shen Jiaze took people home...
Shen Jiaze, who had never allowed any of his friends to set foot on their home, took a group of unfamiliar people home to drink with him.
Gu Xi felt a buzz in his head. He slowly calmed down as he stood unmoved on the spot.
He had to talk to Shen Jiaze. They need to have a proper talk.
But Shen Jiaze wouldn't talk to Gu Xi.
They started to talk, resulting in a big fight.
Gu Xi slammed the door and left. In the end, he went to Ye Chen's place.
Ye Chen didn't know how he should comfort Gu Xi.
This hideous mess of situations lasted for three whole months.
These three months felt like an everlasting nightmare.
In the end, Gu Xi eventually began to wonder whether they were suitable to be together.
Truthfully speaking, Shen Jiaze hadn't done anything too far and he hadn't violated any bottom lines, either, but... but...
Gu Xi didn't want to quarrel with Shen Jiaze.
What did two people who were in love with each other feared the most?
A cruel betrayal? Separated in life and death?
None of these.
The former could make one realize the truth and soon forget about it; those who experienced the latter could still have the everlasting and wonderful love to live throughout one's life.
What they feared the most was being worn down by reality and they could only look on helplessly as the most beautiful love gradually disappeared.
Gu Xi couldn't stand it anymore. Now he had become more aware than ever that he and Shen Jiaze were not suitable.
He loved Shen Jiaze, but they were not a match.
Even so, Gu Xi was reluctant to break up. He wanted to fix their relationship, redeemed themselves, and bring back the good old days.
However, he couldn't find the crux of the problem.
What made Shen Jiaze completely fall apart was when he saw Gu Xi talked happily to Shen Qingxu.
At this point, Shen Jiaze only got to know... that Shen Qingxu invested in the movie directed by Gu Xi.
And then, they met... again.
Thinking back about how he constantly quarreled with Gu Xi for a while, he finally realized.
It turned out that Gu Xi had found the 'real' person. He didn't need a substitute anymore.
All of the emotions that Shen Jiaze repressed had completely bursted out. He suggested to Gu Xi, "Let's break up."
After saying these words, Shen Jiaze's heart was utterly dissipated into ashes.
Shen Jiaze hoped that Gu Xi would refuse, that he would refuse to break up. As long as Gu Xi said that, he would be willing to become a deaf and blind person. He would become the other Shen Qingxu, he would change into someone Gu Xi liked. He would wish for nothing more and be willing to become a substitute. He didn't want love anymore, he only wanted Gu Xi.
But Gu Xi had been extremely tired.
Gu Xi was dazed for quite a while before he said slowly, "Alright, let's break up for a while."
Their nightmare had 'come true'.
In the end, Shen Jiaze stood in the deepest part of hell.
They had broken up. Be it sweetness or pain, all of them were no more.
Later, Gu Xi looked back and noticed that after Shen Jiaze had left, his life had lost all of its colors and become a dull gray.
He worked hard to shoot a movie for Ye Chen, and he occasionally felt happy thanks to Shen Qingxu.
He had never noticed that Shen Qingxu and Shen Jiaze were really alike, but now, he could somehow see Shen Jiaze through Shen Qingxu. Looking at the familiar features, he could reluctantly bring back some tiny bits of happiness.
However, he was only drinking poison to quench his thirst. Shen Qingxu wasn't Shen Jiaze; no one could become Shen Jiaze.
After the movie had been finalized, Gu Xi had lost all motivations.
He missed Shen Jiaze so much that he couldn't wait even for a minute anymore, he wanted to see him.
The ridiculous thing was, he unexpectedly couldn't find Shen Jiaze.
Oh, right, there's Shen Qingxu! Shen Qingxu is Shen Jiaze's uncle.
Gu Xi went to find Shen Qingxu and asked him to take him to see Shen Jiaze.
Therefore, Shen Qingxu helped Gu Xi to meet Shen Jiaze.
The moment Gu Xi saw the person he had been yearning for day night, his eyes were immediately filled with smiles. However, the other person's eyes were filled with despair and pain instead.
Gu Xi asked Shen Qingxu, "Can I have a talk to Shen Jiaze alone?"
Shen Qingxu smiled gently and said, "Sure."
Seeing that, Gu Xi finally smiled, something he hadn't done for a while.
His smile stabbed into Shen Jiaze's heart like a thorn. He thought that he couldn't feel the pain anymore, but now his heart felt like it has been stirred up so much that it hurts and he couldn't breathe.
What are they doing here? Why is he... here?
Was it to show off? Or to mock him?
As Shen Jiaze looked at them, the shadow in his mind leaked out."I'll go on a blind date."
Shen Qingxu and Gu Xi were both startled.
Shen Jiaze had completely lost his mind. He continued, "Uncle, you don't have to persuade me. I'll go on a blind date and marry a beautiful wife."
Shen Qingxu responded after a long while. He said, "You don't need to force yourself. About your mom, I'll help you to—"
"You don't need to!" Shen Jiaze said in a loud voice, "I've figured it out. What Grandma said is right. I must marry a girl, I must get married."
Gu Xi was stupefied for a long time before eventually collecting his thoughts. He forced a smile and said in a low voice, "I... I'll go first."
Shen Qingxu grabbed his arm and said, "You—"
Gu Xi swung his arm."No, I don't need it anymore!"
With that, Gu Xi left. It felt as if he had thrown his soul away as he left.
Four years.
He had invested all of his feelings in these years, only to get such a treatment.
Gu Xi didn't know where he should go.
A few days back, Gu Xi went back home for Father Gu's birthday. Father Gu flew into rage and turned the birthday party into a total mess. He pointed at Gu Xi's nose and scolded him, "I don't have a son like you! Get out of here!"
"Did I raise you only for you to piss me off?"
"If I could choose, I wish you hadn't been born!"
His home didn't feel like a home, his lover wasn't his anymore, and he had lost everything that he had worked hard to get.
As Gu Xi laid on the bed, he began to think about something he shouldn't have.
~details~~summary~Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide by cutting wrist. Please be advised before you read. ~/summary~
Since he doesn't want me to be born, I'll just disappear then.
No one wanted him. Was there even any reason for him to be alive?
The stronger the person, the more vulnerable they became at certain times.
Gu Xi was actually someone who needed to be acknowledged and wanted by others.
He was willing to take care of others, to invest himself for others; he was ready to bear anything.
A pressure wouldn't be able to break him, but not being needed was the true death penalty to him.
If not for Ye Chen, Gu Xi might have died.
When he was slowly losing his consciousness and everything started to get blurry, he heard the voice of someone calling out his name as he cried, "Gu Xi... Gu Xi, please... please don't do this, you're... you..."
Ye Chen... It's Ye Chen.
Did Ye Chen still need him?
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When he woke up in the ward, he saw Ye Chen who had cried until his eyes turned red, alongside Father Ye and Mother Ye who wore a concerned look...
With that, Gu Xi kept on living.
He still had a person he wanted to cherish.
Friends, dreams, he still had a lot of them...
***
"Don't cry..." The man's voice was filled with panic. He clumsily wiped Gu Xi's tears, then said anxiously, "What are you dreaming of? Don't cry, don't cry..."
Gu Xi opened his eyes. After going through the long river of time, he finally saw Shen Jiaze whom he still knew very well, whom he still longed for, and whom he was still unable to forget.
Suddenly, Gu Xi couldn't hold back all of his emotions anymore. Tears streamed down his face so fiercely that he could hardly finish his words because his voice was choked with sobs.
"Shen Jiaze..." Gu Xi rested his forehead against Shen Jiaze's arms, then said as he cried, "I'm really scared."
its... finally... OVER! MY FUCKING GOD THE PAIN IS FIIIINALLY OVER!!!!! their ending isn't the happiest, but I believe it's the best for the two of them. just like what author said, love doesn't only consist of those like Ye Chen and Ren Jing's, there are also those like Gu Xi and Shen Jiaze's. I know..."they could just put their fucking pride down and talk for once"... but communication ain't a simple thing, yanno? It's not about the pride, I swear. It's more like... assuming things, anxiety, fear, overthinking, etc inside your brain that you become a complete mess because of it (totally not speaking from experience). Just take the example of myself; I'm contemplating real hard over here thinking of the worst-case scenario that could have happened with what I said on this platform... especially since I always screw up royally when trying to communicate. Both Gu Xi and Shen Jiaze were still pretty young too when all the shits happened, so... yeah. I KNOW, I didn't excuse any of their actions: they've made mistakes, and they had to bear the consequences, that's for sure. But blaming everything on them is just... too harsh, I think? Especially Shen Jiaze. I saw someone commented so harshly about him on JJWXC and I'm just... sad.
Buuuut yeah in any case... PLEASE BE HAPPY NOW, BOTH GU XI AND SHEN JIAZE!!! ISTG if there's one (1) more rando going "uhh lemme tell u what I know" based on what they "heard" instead of confirming it to the person or another "family" member trying to ruin their relationship, I'm gonna commit massacre (looking at u, fucking cannon fodder chara Chen Miao or sth) ~3. btw, look forward to the last chapter of them finally understanding each other owo <3
<details~~summary~Ramblings~/summary~
Before I start... You're free to disagree. You totally are. I don't really care about your opinion, preferences, etc as much as I don't really care about mine. BUT no need to invalidate mine/others u don't agree with. We can agree to disagree; u can have ur opinion and I have my opinion. See, it's that's easy. no war, no arguments, no ruckus. got it? thanks.
Honestly speaking, I understand what Shen Jiaze felt so much; the peer pressure, the inferiority complex, the overthinking, and especially the insecurities he felt... I can't say much bcs I'm not a better person than he is as I always keep everything to myself too sdfdsdghfd but I don't think he's to blame for everything? "but he almost made his lover die!" er, uhm... There are some more "push" that led to Gu Xi attempting suicide... is what I think. Sure, Shen Jiaze deciding everything one-sidedly is wrong and didn't make things better but again, I understand why he was like that... He's made mistakes, but that doesn't make him the scummiest guy on the earth, , , , , , It's like no one is allowed to make mistakes and if they do, they immediately become "the worst person on the earth"... What else do we want him to do? hurt himself? kill himself? I don't think so... we might be skeptical just like Gu Xi did but why not give him one more chance to "repair" things? instead of blaming everything on him and made him look like the worst guy ever existed.
I'm sure both Gu Xi and Shen Jiaze had grown mature enough to understand what they did "wrong" when they were still young. I'm sure they've learned their lesson and grow as a person. And I believe that through their experiences, they got to understand each other better. What's left is for the two of them to decide how they should go on, and I trust them on that. Their relationship isn't perfect and they're not perfect, as all of us do too; but their "mistakes" and "imperfectness" make them seem a lot more "human". And I'm so proud of both of them! Really, I wish nothing but happiness for the two of them after all they went through. Each of us has our different tales to tell, and theirs had "charmed" me enough to laugh, cry, and well, wishing all the best for them. Go create your own happy ending, Gu Xi and Shen Jiaze ~3
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