novel
| ← Ch.86 | Ch.88 → |
15 dollar tier on patreon now has all the chapters, new story comes out on the 18th, 7men chapters will also be available with the addicted tier, patreon link down under.
-Helli
Gu Yan always felt that he was fearless, he was used to being on the brink of life and death. No matter what situation he was faced with, he thought he could face it all calmly.
But this picturesque and beautiful human world, was a place he never wanted to come to ever again.
This strange and mysterious place bound his body, tormented his soul, bringing him endless pain, keeping him from freeing himself, there was nowhere to escape. It made him realize how powerless he really was.
The difference of a single step was like from the human world again, into hell.
Again...... Why again.... . ? Gu Yan's eyes showed his confusion as his face paled. He cradled his head with both his hands, what did he forget?
Or should he say, that just like Qin Yao had mentioned, even if he tried his best to forget all of those memories, he would always remember that pain in his instincts.
Why...... He had already abandoned the past so thoroughly, why can't it let him go!
Or maybe...... He had never escaped?
Gu Yan covered his ears, blocking out the noise all around him.
He was being drowned in that endless pain again, and he finally understood what that feeling of helplessness and sorrow was. It was despair, despair that he would never be able to escape from. He was so tired of living, always living only for his parents, and the people of his country. He tried so hard to do what he thought was right, tried so hard to protect those who needed his protection. But what did he get in the end...... ? The emperor he was loyal to killed him ruthlessly, the people he protected feared him, his parents abandoned him, finally dying as well from being dragged in with him. The blood of his loved ones poured down onto the dirt above his head as their deep resentment ate away at him, never allowing him even a moment of peace.
He thought he was mentally prepared to take on any sort of pain, but that was not true.
When even death had become a luxury, he realized......
He was not that strong, nor that brave.
He would also be sad, he would also hate......
He did not want to continue on like this, the endless torture was making him go crazy. He wanted to get away from here, stopping all of this.
Even if he had to pay a price,
Even if he had to sell his soul to the devil,
He was willing.
A smile curved up his lips. Both his pain and his humour had blended together, morphing into a terrifying and distorted expression.
He was not the same anymore, he had already escaped! Not heaven nor hell could hold him down! He finally realized why he came back. This was his fate, this was the meaning of his existence...... He came back just so he could destroy everything with his own hands!
His ground his teeth as the pain burst open within his mind, wave after wave. Both his legs were trembling, but he did not fall anymore. With all his power, he could stand...... Stand up, get out of here...... This sly place would only be a cage that trapped him......
The array was already gone......
It had already been a thousand years......
What was once here had already been turned into dust, why...... would he still be trapped in the past?
One step, two steps, three steps......
Gu Yan stopped at his very last step as a violent glow burst out within his eyes. He had finally come out. He raised his head to look at the sky. A thousand years, nothing can suppress him anymore. He suddenly felt the urge to laugh, but his whole body was collapsing. Swaying slightly, his body fell forward......
A pair of hands came out to support him.
Gu Yan raised his head up to see Qin Yao who was holding him with a complicated look in his eyes.
"It seems like you don't need my help anymore."Said Qin Yao to him with a passive expression.
Gu Yan kept his eyes on him, and suddenly, he raised his hands slowly, putting it on Qin Yao's cheek. His fingers swept past Qin Yao's features gently, running through the outlines of his face, and finally, his fingertips stopped at his lips. He saw the sudden change in Qin Yao's face, as well as the panic that swept past his eyes for a second, and suddenly, he could not help himself from laughing, getting a little choked up as he did.
After a moment, Gu Yan finally caught his breath:"Why are you doing this?"
What if he could not get out of it? If he stayed in that painful past forever and ever, would Qin Yao really pull him out of it? Giving up the only chance he had, the only hope he had of getting that person back——Just to fulfil his desires? The desires of that which he hated the most, a demon?
Qin Yao turned his head away and kept his eyes down, "We should go back. Since you don't feel like dying anymore, you're still not done with what you promised me."
"The movie?"Gu Yan smiled. He placed his hand on Qin Yao's shoulder, hanging onto it like a koala hanging off a tree since he had no more energy to speak of. But it was like Qin Yao did not dare to face him. After carrying him back in a quick few steps, he stuffed him rudely into the car.
Gu Yan leaned back on the chair, and a flash of coldness appeared within his eyes. With an evil tone, he said, "You don't think I'd turn over a new leaf because of this, do you? That's right...... We should be honest with each other now, there's no meaning in lying to each other any longer. Let me just tell it to you straight, no matter how afraid I am of the past, I would still never turn into a good person. I hate everything in this world, I'm no longer afraid, but that will only serve to loosen my restraints even more."
WIthout looking at him, Qin Yao got into the driver's seat and started the car.
Gu Yan continued:"You don't believe me? Do you think I'd be grateful to you just because you helped me once?"
Qin Yao seems to have finally run out of patience. He turned to him and spoke bluntly:"I've never wanted your gratitude."
"Heh......"Gu Yan scoffed.
"As for whether you can loosen your restraints or not."Qin Yao shot him a glance and gave a soft chuff, "It seems like I'm the one to decide that."
..............................
As expected, if Qin Yao can say it, he'll do it. It felt like what happened last night did not happen at all, everything was being carried out in an orderly manner as usual in the studio.
When Gu Yan got back into the set, he did not fall into his sorrowful emotions so easily anymore.
He understood all of it clearly, and would occasionally remember bits of his past, coming and going. Even though he still hated how foolish he was, but he believes he is ready to let go now.
He never felt as good as he did now.
Putting something at the back of your mind and running away from it is not a way to solve your problems. Only by facing the painful fears of your past can you finally overcome yourself.
Qin Yao clearly knew this bit as well.
Two months passed in an instant, and in the blink of an eye, the movie was almost complete.
These two months have been a great challenge for the entire crew, and when they finally reached the end, everyone was filled with excitement.
For Gu Yan, this was one of the easiest roles he has ever taken on.
He could act it however he wanted it do, even if his lines were wrong, or if his expression was wrong, nobody would stop him. It was just like a one-man show where everyone was just a bunch of marionettes following him around.
In these two months, Gu Yan had not been in contact with Tong Tong and the other demons even once.
Gu Yan was not in a hurry either. If any danger or difficulties were to come up on that side, they would definitely find ways to contact him. Not receiving any news right now was the best news, it meant everything was going smoothly.
Moreover...... The current Gu Yan was in quite a confused state.
It's not like he suddenly realized he had a conscience, but rather, he had recalled what he stood for in the past, and wanted to repent. Gu Yan had always felt that the old him was very foolish, and he was so foolish that he would never think for himself. He would never know how to fight for himself, he would only offer everything he had silently. If he didn't say it, how would anyone know wha the was thinking? So it was his own fault he ended up that way...... The current him would never be that foolish ever again, he would only live for his own sake.
However, his will to open the channels between the worlds had lessened considerably, not so he could protect anything, just that it felt meaningless now.
His obsession, resentment...... He had finally returned to bring death and destruction to the human world. This was something rooted deeply within his heart. He never thought about it in the past, nor did he care, but he knew now what it was he wanted to do.
Now...... He suddenly found realized that all his hatred had already disappeared a thousand years ago. If he simply took revenge, he would lose any goal after that, what other meaning would there be to life?
No matter where he went, he would be the only one left.
When everyone is dead, he will be alive.
Be it Gu Yan or Qin Yao, neither of them felt any interest in celebrating with the crew.
Gu Yan did not have anything to pack up either. When Qin Yao drove him over that time, he came only with what was on his body, not even bringing his car. Now, going back, he would of course only be returning with what was on his back. He had decided to return, even if the house that he went back to did not belong to him, it could only be regarded as a temporary place to stop at. But besides there, there was nowhere else to go.
"Are you going now?"As he had expected, Qin Yao came over. He had been waiting outside the door the whole time.
Gu Yan nodded and spread his arms out, "It's done."
At first, he felt that living like this was very difficult. But later, he found that it was not bad. Though before he was able to get used to it, it had already come to an end. There's not a single party in the world that never ends, he did not believe that the current him could give Qin Yao what he wanted.
There were some he didn't have, and others he didn't want to give.
If it was him from before, he would probably feel regretful. Even if the whole world betrayed him, Qin Yao would never, Qin Yao was the person he cared about. But the him of now could no longer consider the feelings of another person. From one extreme to another...... He did not intent to wrong himself to fulfil the dreams of another, he did not want to lose himself from caring too much about anyone else anymore. He will never put himself in that sort of situation ever again.
So, he should stop all the feelings that should not belong.
So, he could only be sorry.
Qin Yao's lips moved as if he was about to say something, but he did not know what to say.
Gu Yan chuffed, "Did you know? I don't care whether your behaviour ended up hurting me indirectly in the past, it doesn't matter to me. Even if you did it on purpose, I still would not care. But...... I don't think my answer is what you want. I thought about it later, and I guess if I was the me from the past, I would not blame you for it either. He could forgive those who were even worse, so why couldn't he mistake one little mistake of yours? So you really don't have to be too bothered about it. Even if he found out about it, he would still forgive you."
Forgiveness——Perhaps this was the only thing he could give him.
Even if he had never blamed him, Qin Yao cared about it, he could not jump past this own hurdle of his. Qin Yao helped him once, so he had to return the favour. At the very least, one thing remained the same; be it the past or the future, he would always put a clear distinction of his grudges, and favours.
He did not allow himself to owe anyone anything.
"I'm going now, take care, I'll see you next time. I guess neither of us have to show each other any mercy."Gu Yan spoke.
Qin Yao looked at him, and clenched his fists tight, "What if I don't let you go?"
Gu Yan narrowed his eyes, "Then I guess we won't have to show each other any mercy starting from now. Life and death is decreed by our own fate, I won't blame you for it."
QIn Yao suddenly slammed his fist onto the pillar, directly destroying the entire cement pillar!
He turned and walked over in a quick stride, staring at Gu Yan with ruthless eyes as he put on a smirk, "As expected of a great high-tier demon, your blood and heart really does run cold. Oh, that's not right...... You don't even have a heart. Fortunately, I, Qin Yao, am also not the fool I once was, so don't think too highly of yourself, don't think that I really can't separate myself from you!"
Gu Yan met Qin Yao's eyes, and his heart jumped. He could not help stepping back and speaking in a grave tone:"I can't think of anything better."
Qin Yao's throat rumbled with his deep laughter. He responded to him in a mocking tone, "You think...... ?"Then, he reached out to grab Gu Yan's collar, pressing him against the wall. He forced his handsome way close to his, "Since you're going to leave anyway, how about you sleep with me once before you do? You don't care about it anyway, and naturally, I won't keep thinking about it if I had a taste. I'll stop bothering you then, what do you think?"
| ← Ch. 86 | Ch. 88 → |