novel
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Part 14
I was wrapped with his arm and the coat and came inside the room. I gave my coat to Soa and told her to bring warm water and a towel. And I pulled him to the bed.
"Why did you run in panic? It's not like I would go out somewhere."
I got the towel and water from Soa and asked him. Somehow his eyes were empty and looking at me murmuring.
"Not going somewhere?"
He repeated the word, and I questioned.
"You thought I went somewhere?"
"Ah...."
He answered, and I kneeled in front of him with the wet towel and laughed.
"Where would I go? How can I avoid all those guards, servants, and eunuchs' eyes just to go out of this Heavenly Purified Palace?"
"You..."
I was talking while I was wiping his foot. He opened his mouth.
".... smiled at me. It was your first smile after you came here. I fell asleep looking at that smile, but when I woke up, you weren't here. My heart dropped. I was thinking you smiled at me like that just to run away from me. That made my mind go blank."
He was talking vacantly, and I looked at him. He looked at me and continued.
"You were standing like you were going to disappear during the Planting Festival. Like you will melt with the rain. Like you will fly away with the wind. Even right now. It looked like you were going to disappear with the rain underneath the magnolia tree."
He was looking at me like dreaming, and I erased my smile. He wrapped my face with both of his hands.
"Are you going back like before?"
I closed my mouth. But he didn't seem to mind if I answered or not.
"Are you smiling, looking at the rain, and looking for the magnolia again? Or... are you smiling like that to run away from my hand? I... I don't know, Yeho. I don't like when you don't smile, but I get really nervous when you smile like that."
He pulled my arm. I was kneeling, but now his face was leaning against my shoulder, and he wrapped around my waist with his arms firmly.
"Your Majesty...."
"Tell me. Tell me that you will stay as my Madame. Tell me you will always stay as my Madame. Tell me you will smile as Madame, look at the rain as Madame, and want to see magnolia flower as Madame. Tell me you will wait for the magnolia flower to bloom every year next to me."
I couldn't say anything.
What is the use of promising him that I will be with him? I can't do that only with my will. Deep inside me wants to promise that and with that excuse, stay with him until this weak life span ends. But I know I can't do that. There will be a day where I will be the flaw, and I know that for sure that trying to stay inside of his embrace will just lead to a bigger flaw....
I might be a flaw even now. I just thought about it. All these rumors are my fault, so I can't say I'm not the flaw. But the reason why I'm still lowering my body, hiding my face, and being sensitive to the rules are because it is still okay. I'm not dirtying his reputation as the Great Emperor yet... It was my selfishness. Yes, I know. I want to stay long as I can. Just like he said, I want to smile as being his Madame. No, I don't even care about being Madame. I just want to be with him... I don't mind being the evil spirit from the Flower Fence Palace. As long as I don't ruin him, I want to be with him. That's why I hide, don't see the rain, and don't see the magnolia. Just because I only wanted to see him... Even it's a foolish dream, I wanted to dream long as I can.
That made me laugh. I'm like standing on a very thin ice, but what did I do today? Because of the story that he said, made my heart weaker and walked out too carelessly and that caused me to have more flaws in me. The flaw that is not only for me.
I twisted my body. I pushed him away because I was too disgusted at myself that I couldn't stand, and I hated myself too much that I couldn't tolerate myself to be in his embrace.
"Yeho."
He pulled me again and called me. I turned my head to the side and covered my face with my hand.
"Yeho. Why are you crying? I know even if you cover your face. You are crying. What's wrong? Huh? You smiled. You were smiling. Don't cry. Smile. Tell me while you smile. It's okay to lie. I don't mind false promise. So tell me that you will stay as my Madame."
".... Don't."
I covered my face and swallowed my crying and whispered.
"Don't do that. Don't say promise when you can't promise. Smiling, looking at the rain, and waiting for magnolia... I can't promise that. There will be a day like that. I'm a dull and foolish person, so I might forget about my stand and do those. But I can't promise that it will be like this every day."
I was holding my cry best as I can but still crying voice came out. I was trying to turn away from him, but his arms were like chain and tightened me.
"I'm insanely mad at you."
He said it on my neck like growling at me.
"You always reject what I'm trying to give you. You always seemed to do whatever I wanted to do, but you never really gave you to me. I told you to smile. I told you to say no if you don't want it. You can be spoiled with me. I'm the Emperor. The owner of this world, but Yeho, in front of you, I become really useless. I can't see you being truly happy whatever I do. That makes me insanely mad."
He said it like that and pulled my night gown down. Now it got completely dark, so the room was really cold. My shoulder shivered because of the coldness. He grabbed my face to make me look at him. My tears were wetting his hand.
"Why can't you give me little bit of your feeling?"
His voice was mad but at the same time sad. His whispering voice was very low that it came out from the deep inside of him.
"When are you going to stop being afraid and stop thinking about running away?"
Because I can't trust you... I was thinking while I was looking at his eyes sadly. Because I can't trust myself, because I can't trust this palace, because I can't trust the world. But I couldn't say it out loud. If I say it, he will say to trust it. He will say I don't have to trust the world, I don't have to trust the palace, and I don't even have to trust myself, but he will say to trust him. He will promise me to give everything I want because he is the owner of the world. Then... if that happens, I will really trust him.
What will happen if I trust him like that. Will everything he said come true? Will this Most Highness who can get whatever he wants stay with me forever? No before that will other people leave me alone because I became the Madame only with his affection? What about the Empress? This will hurt her high pride. She looks like she won't accept her pride getting hurt because of someone like me. What if she tries to find my flaw? What if something happens that even he can't control? What do I do when it hurts like I'm going to die but knowing I can't do anything about it?
Now I don't even know what I'm afraid of. Whether I'm worrying about my pain or worrying about him getting hurt.
I closed my eyes. I couldn't do anything. The only thing that seemed like I could do was just be scared and hide.
Then I heard a low laughing voice.
"You are not saying anything again. Yes. Just seal your mouth. Just don't give me anything. I'll just take it away from you."
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