novel(Perhaps, It Would Be Soon) This Piece of Feeling Was Waiting to Be Looked Back
| ← Ch.131 | Ch.133 → |
Zheng Zihuan did not know why he didn't fall in love with someone.
His family and workplace went panic, because how could such an excellent young talent still be single? Hence, Zheng Zihuan, who dated with many girls of his hometown in a year, could not find a suitable one. Finally, he saw a thousand love letters written to him by his fellow countryman Guo Ciyun in high school, so he married her.
In a few years, Zheng Zihuan took his wife and children to the city, and suddenly lost contact with Zhao Mingjiang. Soon after, he was sent to another county by himself. Soon afterwards, he took his wife Guo Ciyun and son Zheng Kai to another county together, and completely cut off contact with Zhao Mingjiang. Until he heard that Zhao Mingjiang was in dire straits and burdened with debts. After separation for eight or nine years, they met each other again.
"How come you haven't been in contact for so many years?" Lin Wenxi asked with red eyes.
"I don't know, " Zheng Zihuan answered with some sorrow, drinking a glass of white spirit.
"When did you come to the town? How old was Brother Kai then?" Lin Wenxi suddenly asked a seemingly unrelated question.
"I don't remember that. He was about six or seven years old." Zheng Zihuan seemed to be still immersed in memories, and did not answer Lin Wenxi in detail.
Lin Wenxi wanted to continue questioning, but suddenly he felt that it had no meaning. Something occurred to him, so he blushed and hesitated, asking, "Well... Then if you like Uncle Zhao, how could Brother Kai be born?"
Zheng Zihuan was a little surprised. He nodded and laughed, saying, "In these days, the younger generation is really open." He added, "At that time, I was young and impetuous. Although I had no idea of these aspects at all, but I could not help it when I recalled it. But in fact, when I did it, in my mind, I thought all about A Yuan's father, about his laughter, his frown..."
Lin Wenxi tilted his head to hide his panic and asked, "What about now?" After saying that, he turned his face, secretly looking out of the window.
Zheng Zihuan laughed but did not speak. Lin Wenxi was restless at the moment.
Lin Wenxi thought of Hong Yan, as well as his own parents. He suddenly began to be afraid because one day, Zhao Yuan would do the same.
Now it was hard to meet one person with the same experience who could tell him the marriage experience and life after marriage. Lin Wenxi was just too curious.
But the story of this man was the same as Gu Xi's. The difference was that Zhao Mingjiang might not know Zheng Zihuan's mind until he died, and Zheng Zihuan might never reveal his mind to his beloved.
He purely loved the past and burdened with everything without affecting the life of his beloved. How could it be inconceivable and unacceptable to bury this feeling for a lifetime and hide it till death?
At least, Zheng Kai knew Gu Xi's feelings for him. At least because of this feeling, Zheng Kai sometimes pitied Gu Xi and also understood Gu Xi. But because of this feeling, Zheng Kai disliked Gu Xi and refused him.
He himself might be more fortunate, because Zhao Yuan had more or less feelings for himself. Although Lin Wenxi could not weigh how much the feeling was, he and Zhao Yuan both knew that this had become an unbreakable link between them, but also an abyss that could not be crossed. Placing himself in other's position, Lin Wenxi felt deeply sad. The two emotions were intertwined in his heart. The fiercer the contention was, the more difficult Lin Wenxi could not express. He could not overcome his surprise, so his face turned white and red for a while. For a long time, it turned into a long sigh, accompanied by liquor into the stomach, so that liquor stired up the warmth in the blood to calm his turbulent mood.
Gu Xi, however, was already full of tears.
Zheng Zihuan felt like returning to what he used to be decades ago. He could see through everything in Lin Wenxi. He persuaded Lin Wenxi to take his second glass of wine and said, "If you don't love a woman, you will never marry her. That will ruin her."
"Since you and she had children, and Brother Kai was so tough, you should be happy, right?" Lin Wenxi asked in a low voice.
"Every moment with her, you always think of another person. Over time, she will be suspicious. Gradually, she will know that person is not a woman, but a man, " Zheng Zihuan said, "You must not be such a person as me, which will harm yourself and others."
"What if the one you like just like you? Won't it be allowed?" Lin Wenxi asked.
"Will your parents agree? What do your relatives and friends think of you?" Zheng Zihuan said with some seriousness.
"Well, what do you think of the matter itself? Is it a mental illness? Or is it brought in blood?" Gu Xi asked.
"I have been speculating for a long time that I like a man because I am not strong enough. So I was very strict with A'kai when he was young. He didn't play any charming role in front of me and his mother. He solved problems with his fists even in primary school. I asked him to behave like a pure man. I even sent him to Green Fields Military Academy at the age of thirteen and let him live alone for almost six years. Until now, I think he is more sensible and tough than all his peers, and I am relieved that I have chosen the right way." Speaking of this, Zheng Zihuan was somewhat proud.
Lin Wenxi only felt a little angry. He had been under the strict control of his father since he was a child. The restraint and pain in the past repeated before his eyes. He always felt that he had been missing something since he was a child. Sometimes this kind of loss could only be compensated when he memorized Fangfang.
But what kind of life did Zheng Kai live when he was a child? Zheng Kai's image seemed to turn into a six or seven-year-old child, who had been rushing in front of himself to protect and love him. Behind Zheng Kai, maybe it was the wounded whip for Zheng Kai, while the whip holder was the self-satisfied Zheng Zihuan, who did not want to let Zheng Kai have a glimmer of homosexual thoughts.
Lin Wenxi thought again. No wonder Zheng Kai used to think that he was not a man enough. No wonder Zheng Kai was very difficult to accept the intimacy between boys. It must be that Zheng Zihuan instilled all kinds of ideas into him since childhood.
Lin Wenxi clenched his fist tightly, and finally turned his anger into sadness. He choked and asked Zheng Zihuan, "Do you despise yourself?
"No, I didn't, " said Zheng Zihuan.
"Then why did you let Zheng Kai despise people like you?"
"I'm just afraid that this mental illness will be contagious and that he will be affected if he meets those like me in the future." Zheng Zihuan was a little anxious to explain.
"Then you think I'll infect him, don't you?" Lin Wenxi asked.
"Are you such a person?" Zheng Zihuan asked.
"You saw Zhao Yuan and me that day, " Lin Wenxi said.
"Maybe, I don't know. In a word, I don't think A Yuan would do that, " Zheng Zihuan muttered to himself.
"Brother Yuan would do what?"
"Wenxi, A Yuan should be like his father, who would not like a.... like people like us. Besides, he was the only son of his dad. How could you turn him into such a person?" With saying that, Zheng Zihuan suddenly realized that he had made a mistake, so he was ready to explain, but did not know how to explain. He simply drank a glass of liquor.
The silence of Lin Wenxi made Zheng Zihuan more and more uneasy.
"No, I don't mean that. I would not treat you like that. I just think, Wenxi, it's too painful. You know, it's too painful. I take care of him and I'm happy. But there's always no limit to people's desires. I've been with him for so long, and more than once, I hope he could hold my hand, and could even kiss me. However, I thought it would be a kind of blasphemy to him. I don't deserve it... don't deserve it..." Zheng Zihuan was a little excited, and his face became redder and redder because of the alcohol.
"Is there anything wrong with such love?" Lin Wenxi unconsciously shed tears which were like big beans rolling down into his glass. He picked up the liquor, finished drinking, only to feel endless bitterness.
"Right... Is there anything wrong?" Zheng Zihuan suddenly laughed, and then shook his head, sitting in his chair dejectedly, "Wenxi, you are the only son in your family. Your father is honest all his life and has a good reputation if your father knows you... What would he think? People live for a lifetime, not only for themselves."
"If I can change, I will. But can I choose?" Lin Wenxi retorted.
Zheng Zihuan shook his head painfully, "Mingjiang kept talking about you and worrying about you in the days before he left. Often, I repeatedly asked A Yuan to show him your photos on his mobile phone, so that he could feel at ease."
"I can feel, I can feel his thanks to my father, and I can feel his expectations, but..." Lin Wenxi couldn't help bursting into tears.
"So, you should stop meddling in these things in the future. I have known that you were attacked. It was very good for A'kai to protect you and the girl, " Zheng Zihuan said.
"Thank you. When Uncle was alive... I didn't take care of him. I'll do my best in the future!" Lin Wenxi said.
"No, he and I hope you will not get involved any more. Let A Yuan deal with it alone. He can do it. You should also keep some distance from A Yuan. His identity is too dangerous for you."
"Thank you for your reminder. I know it very well in my mind."
Lin Wenxi turned around and left. He really couldn't bear to stay with this poor man again. Perhaps everyone had the mark of the times, but that man locked himself in the 1970s forever, in his youth when the feelings were vague.
Before going out, Lin Wenxi turned to Zheng Zihuan and asked him. Whether his voice was cold or excited, it trembled violently."Uncle Zheng, has Brother Kai cried for more than twenty years?" Lin Wenxi asked. He looked up at the sunshine in the mist, and suddenly felt that no sunshine could shine on the ruins of the world.
Gu Xi burst out crying loudly. He suddenly understood why Zheng Kai, who met at Green Fields Military Academy, was so silent, and refused and disgusted with many things. But the originator of all this was a person who should have the most experience and understanding of his own suffering.
Inside, Zheng Zihuan buried himself on the table and muttered to himself, "He never cried... Perhaps... it would be soon."
| ← Ch. 131 | Ch. 133 → |