novelCondemned, therefore solitary
| ← Ch.518 | Ch.520 → |
The three sat in the garden downstairs, drinking the cans of Tsingdao beer that Xu Tingsheng had bought on the way here. It didn't matter that the banquet tables they had paid for were all filled with the best wines.
"Right, when did you make up your mind?" Fu Cheng asked.
"When you both started keeping things from me, " Huang Yaming exerted force on an empty can, which made a crackling noise, "When both of you clearly knew what was going on yet couldn't bear to say it. Like you, Fu Cheng. You'd rather start a quarrel with me than say it directly. At that time, I knew that I definitely could not let myself reach that point."
Your bros advising you painstakingly, or them believing that there is already no way of doing so... these two are totally different concepts altogether.
"Why don't you ask me when and what it was that made me see through it all?" Huang Yaming asked instead.
"Well, when was it and what made you see through it all?" Xu Tingsheng obligingly enquired.
"When someone really doesn't love another, however carefully, however much effort they put into the act, it really just can't cut it anyhow, " Huang Yaming first said something abstract and profound before continuing, "You know that I often get drunk, get sent home and puke all over the floor. It used to be Chen Jingqi who looked after me. Then, Tan Qingling came and she left. Tan Qingling looked after me for a period of time..."
"Three days. It took just three days for the difference to show."
"When I got drunk in the past, however late I got sent home and helped up the stairs... I could always feel than on one side was a woman's arm and shoulder, Chen Jingqi's. Whenever I got home, however late it was and whether it was necessary, she would always come downstairs to meet and help me. Sometimes, there would be two security guards who sent me home, and she would take over one of them. Hey, how silly is that? How can her strength match up to a security guard's?"
"Three days into Tan Qingling taking over, I no longer felt a woman's arm supporting me. While I was very drunk, I know that she must have been standing far, far away, because I was very dirty and smelly, because the bar's security guards would be escorting me up anyway."
"Also, I never felt Chen Jingqi helping me to wipe my face in the past. Only when Tan Qingling had done it a few times and it really hurt even though I was dead drunk did I know how gently and carefully she had done it."
"Also, I would always be squeaky clean in the past when I woke up the next day. Later on, there would still be stuff that I puked out on my clothes sometimes, sometimes even on my neck..."
"So when someone really doesn't love another, however carefully, however much effort they put into the act, it really just can't cut it anyhow. Especially when I looked to be wholly unaware."
With that, Xu Tingsheng and Fu Cheng basically understood what Huang Yaming meant. When an act did not truly come from one's heart, it would actually never be possible for it to resonate with the receiver, especially in the case of those more obscure, subtle details.
Still, it was unknown whether the slight blurriness welling up in Huang Yaming's eyes at this moment was due to Tan Qingling's fakeness or Chen Jingqi's authenticity.
"She's so good but you'd neither try to get her to stay or chase after her... really, Chen Jingqi's too pitiful. You've hurt her too much, " Fu Cheng said.
"It's because I hurt her too much that I'm afraid of hurting her more... there seems to be nothing I can do to stop that. So, I thought maybe I should just let her go, " Huang Yaming said.
"Why don't you change then?" Fu Cheng asked.
"A leopard can't change its spots."
Fu Cheng was left speechless for a time.
Then he asked, "Have you asked Chen Jingqi about it then? What does she think? Maybe she'd still be willing?"
Huang Yaming stood up and said, "I'll go ask her then."
......
Maybe because his state of mind tonight let him know that there was a person who loved him so much and was so hard to come by, Huang Yaming made such a decision.
As they did not have much time, the car raced across the expressway throughout.
"Drive slower! Aren't you afraid of an accident?" Fu Cheng said a bit nervously in the backseat.
"I'm really not afraid of that, " Huang Yaming said, "I'm just afraid there'd be no one to take care of me when I'm lying on the sickbed."
"Let me drive. I'll make sure you get there in time, " Xu Tingsheng stole the wheel at a rest point.
When they arrived at Xihu City's airport, there was still more than half an hour before the plane took off. Chen Jingqi and the others had already passed through security. Xu Tingsheng dialled her number and called her out...
When Chen Jingqi saw Huang Yaming, they were separated by about a dozen metres or so by the security zone. She stopped walking.
"I didn't get engaged, " Huang Yaming said as he looked at her.
Chen Jingqi smiled and nodded, not knowing what to say though she seemed not to find it any unexpected.
"I've actually known all along who really treats me best, " Huang Yaming continued.
Chen Jingqi nodded as tears began to soundlessly trickle down her face.
"How about you stay behind and we give it another go?" Huang Yaming finally asked.
Chen Jingqi was visibly taken aback.
As what resembled a scene from a drama played out in real life at this moment, the tourists at the airport enthusiastically gathered around, whistling and cheering, "Stay, stay..."
Chen Jingqi shook her head, answering, "No."
Like a child's stubbornness, a simple, obstinate word.
Huang Yaming was conflicted for a time before he asked, "I'll try to change?"
Chen Jingqi shook her head, "You won't, Huang Yaming. Why didn't you look for me before this?... Was it to take revenge on her?... Actually, you're so smart I know you would definitely know everything, be able to see through all of it. Because of that, I was waiting for you to make your own choice."
"Not for you to choose either her or me, but for you to choose whether or not to heed my pain."
"But you didn't look for me in the end. Even if it was only to expose her, to take revenge on her, you must know that you still did make a choice in the end. Whatever the reason, you ultimately still chose to hurt me."
"I..."
"I'd rather you gave up on taking revenge if you really cared about my pain. But you didn't... for the sake of doing one thing, you were willing to sacrifice others, including me. Without having asked me, you helped me make the choice of being sacrificed. Even if it was only temporary, that's already enough to show a lot of things."
Chen Jingqi was absolutely right. Knowing that he was in the wrong, Huang Yaming could offer no further words.
The current him was no longer that Huang Yaming who could make her happy with but a mere expression of care and concern.
She would no longer be subject to his fancies.
This woman had indeed loved him a lot once, devoting all she had to him. He had run away before, but she had not pursued the matter. He had hurt her before, but she still cared for him. He had made a mistake, but she chose to believe in him one more time...
Sadly, things had not changed in the end.
Some girls are willing to suffer hurt, injustices etcetera for the sake of love, refusing to let go no matter what. Generally speaking, in the case that they completely lose faith in the other, they're never going to turn back... because never again can they dare to do so.
Huang Yaming opened his mouth.
"Did you know? My happiest times were when you were in the hospital then, and the recovery period afterwards. Unable to move, you couldn't hurt anyone. You became very cute and very obedient. When you wanted to smoke or anything, you'd always look pleadingly over... a pitiful expression on your face."
Earlier, Huang Yaming had said 'I'm really not afraid of getting into an accident. I'm just afraid there'd be no one to take care of me when I'm lying on the sickbed. ' Now, Chen Jingqi was saying that her happiest times were when she had taken care of him on the sickbed then.
Chen Jingqi had been smiling as she said this.
Still, her smile quickly vanished as she said, "Sadly, only in that state are you ever harmless. The rest of the time, whatever you say or do, it always ends up hurting somebody, not just me."
"Maybe you're destined to be very successful like this. Still, I'm just a very ordinary girl. It's enough for me as long as somebody loves me, dotes on me and won't hurt me. And so, actually, you really aren't suitable for me."
"Please don't hurt me again."
With that, Chen Jingqi turned and left. She did not falter, and neither did she look back.
What does it mean to completely lose faith? When someone clearly loves, remembers, holds dear... yet no longer yearns for, envisions, no longer has the courage to try... desires yet dares not. At that point in time, one truly has completely lost faith in another.
Walking out of the airport, Huang Yaming smiled, saying, "I deserved that. She's right."
In olden times, 孤(solitary) was equivalent to 辜(condemned).
The original meaning of 辜 was 'punishment according to olden customs'. Its meaning had later changed to 'crime/criminal'.
Condemned, therefore solitary.
Not all mistakes could be forgiven and pardoned. Not everything could return to square one.
| ← Ch. 518 | Ch. 520 → |