novelThe Past Is Over, There's No Turning Back
| ← Ch.058 | Ch.060 → |
Edited by DancingDolphinsYo
Wangshu Residence was a place Guan Shanjin had specially constructed for Mr. Lu. Brick by brick, room by room, and that wide swath of mallow plants, every single detail described the affections and doting that Guan Shanjin showered upon Mr. Lu. Whatever Mr. Lu needed, Guan Shanjin was able to have it ready, showing exactly how considerate and meticulous he was.
As for the name of the residence, it evidently expressed Guan Shanjin's feelings.
Wangshu was another name for the bright moon. In Guan Shanjin's heart, Mr. Lu was like the moonlight — noble, pure and perfect, like a flawless piece of jade. If Guan Shanjin had no love and admiration for him, why else would he see Mr. Lu in a different light?
Guan Shanjin stood in front of Wangshu residence, staring at the signboard that he wrote himself. The characters were bold and forceful, the strokes strong and smooth, and they seemed to give a tinge of bloodthirstiness to the moon. It was as though he had finally profaned this clear, shining moonlight, and was revelling over it. Recalling his deep affections then, Guan Shanjin could not help but give a smile full of self-mockery.
It would soon be 9pm. Hazy light clouds covered the starry night sky, and the view was dim and dark. This was a moonless night, and few lamps were lit in Wangshu Residence. There was only a small, lit path, extending towards the mallow plants.
The night breeze was slightly cool, rustling through the mallow plants, and caused Guan Shanjin's black robe to swirl around his feet.
He was here, to fulfill the appointment he had with Mr. Lu.
Not too long after noon today, Han Xiao had sought out Guan Shanjin with a request from Mr. Lu to see him. She said that Mr. Lu was missing the General, and hoped to invite the General for a chat in the night.
Guan Shanjin agreed immediately. For the past few days, he had been deliberately ignoring Mr. Lu. Surprisingly, Mr. Lu was able to endure the cold shoulder, even managing to tolerate it and only giving in on the night before the wedding. As such, how could Guan Shanjin disappoint Mr. Lu? He was extremely curious, what exactly did Mr. Lu want to say to him?
At the end of the path that was studded with white pebbles, there stood a pavilion with a thatched roof. That pavilion was one of Mr. Lu's favourite places to spend time in. It looked very plain, yet it was built ingeniously. Melding with the mallow plants, in its simplicity was the delightful serenity of seclusion. It was also the only place in Wangshu Residence that Guan Shanjin did not have a hand in, but was constructed by Mr. Lu himself.
To arrange specifically to meet in this location, the intentions behind it made Guan Shanjin unable to stop himself from laughing lowly.
Even up until now, Mr. Lu was still trying his best to maintain his image of being pure and unsullied. Proudly, he stood there with his back upright, as though he did not sneak a look at Guan Shanjin to observe him, as though he was not feeling upset and uneasy.
This was truly interesting!
Guan Shanjin spent an entire fifteen minutes before he finally made his way to the pavilion.
The lamps flickered in the pavilion, and the imagery was that of a white orchid-like figure in the midst of a hazy gold light. The picture was ethereal, and the surrounding atmosphere was serene. It made people afraid to even breathe too loudly, for the fear that the dream-like scene in front of their eyes would dissipate in an instant.
In the center of the pavilion was a putuan1 and a low table made of bamboo. Seated cross-legged, Mr. Lu's posture was upright and willowy, and his head was raised, looking up at the stars in the sky. His exposed skin was like pale nephrite, cool and smooth, looking as though it could give off a gentle glow.
The beautiful and elegant face looked as though it had been further polished by running water. It could easily be carved deep into one's heart, and one would not forget it easily.
From a short distance away, Guan Shanjin watched him for a moment, before greeting him."Laoshi."
After hearing that, it seemed as though Mr. Lu had received a shock. His shoulders curled up slightly, and after a short period of silence did he then slowly turn to look at Guan Shanjin, a smile concealing his sadness appearing on his face.
"Haiwang."
"Laoshi, why isn't there anyone attending to you?" Guan Shanjin walked into the pavilion. Arranging his robes, he sat down on the putuan, the table between them.
In the midst of the mallow plants, other than the two of them, there was no one else. Except for the rustling of the wind, there was no chirping from any insects. It felt as though they were in another world, cut off and alone.
"I asked all of them to withdraw, " Mr. Lu answered with his gaze lowered.
"Oh?" Guan Shanjin was not in a hurry. He turned his head, looking at the sky beyond the pavilion.
Silence descended upon them. Mr. Lu waited and waited, but Guan Shanjin still did not speak. Gritting his teeth, Mr. Lu suppressed the panic within him. However, he did not realise that his clenched fists had not been hidden from Guan Shanjin's sight, and because of his lowered eyes, he did not see the trace of mockery on Guan Shanjin's lips.
"Do you... still blame me?" In the end, the one who ended up giving in was naturally Mr. Lu. His words faltered at the end, his voice trembling slightly. It was as though he had suffered the greatest indignity and misunderstanding, yet he still needed to restrain himself and maintain his integrity, refusing to bow.
Such a bearing had truly once greatly attracted Guan Shanjin.
Guan Shanjin frowned slightly, putting on an act and replying as he sighed, "Laoshi, why would you say something like that? I had thought that it was you who still refused to forgive me."
"I refuse to forgive you?" Mr. Lu's gaze jerked up, looking directly into the charming, alluring eyes that were seemingly filled with emotions. Even in the flickering light, those eyes still made people's hearts palpitate."Why would I refuse to forgive you?"
"Because of Wu Xingzi." Guan Shanjin laughed wryly, his long, slender, elegant fingers dragging along the surface of the table, brushing past Mr. Lu's fingers insignificantly. The heat of that touch was like that of star fire, flaming at one's heart.
However, the name Wu Xingzi was like a douse of cold water upon his head, causing a shudder to run through Mr. Lu. His face, that had a rare blush on it, turned ashen again.
"I know that you're doing it to agitate me." After a moment of silence, Mr. Lu sighed."Do you still remember the Lantern Festival of the year you returned from the northwest?"
"I do..." Guan Shanjin's heart was slightly moved, and he reached out to hold onto the hand Mr. Lu had placed on the table. That skin felt slightly cool to touch due to the temperature, and Guan Shanjin could not stop himself from holding the hand more tightly.
That day, because he saw Mr. Lu, he finally felt solid, that he was no longer in a dream. It was also from that moment on that he no longer held the feelings a student had for their teacher, but his affections for Mr. Lu gradually increased. After that, he invited Mr. Lu to live in his estate again, giving him the status of a guest. Despite Mr. Lu's average intelligence, and how Mr. Lu was of no use by his side, as long as he was by his side, Guan Shanjin could feel himself calming down and becoming steady.
Exactly when did they start walking on separate paths?
"I had sought you out deliberately." Mr. Lu's voice was slightly husky, and not waiting for a response from Guan Shanjin, he continued."That day you returned, I saw you on the streets as well. You had changed so much. Although you were still very vibrant and extravagant, your eyes were empty."
"My eyes were empty?" Guan Shanjin raised a brow.
"Yes." Mr. Lu watched him, then smiled wryly."You don't believe me, right? You don't believe that I was able to notice it. Haiwang, I've been by your side since you were ten, I know what sort of child you were. Days in the northwest were very difficult, and you had to sacrifice so many lives before gaining these recent years of peace. How could I not know all that? At that time, you were on Zhuxing, and you were parading the streets with your soldiers in victory. There you were, right behind the Great General Weiyuan, but it was as though you weren't there at all. That bustling and prosperous crowd, to you, they were like a joke, weren't they?"
Guan Shanjin's superficial smile faded away, his expression turning cold, and he looked at Mr. Lu, silent and expressionless.
He had truly never thought about it, that Mr. Lu had actually managed to see into his head. Even his parents, even Man Yue, had never been able to see through him then, that it was so very difficult for him to remain in the capital. Everything in front of him was familiar, yet strange. In his blood, the desire for bloodshed still ran rampant, but he had no way of venting his desires.
Watching those foolish people who had never suffered a day, it was as though he was counting down the days in a dream, yet the day he was supposed to wake up never came. Guan Shanjin was not suitable for those prosperous and peaceful days in the capital. He knew that he was a savage beast, and now that he had experienced the taste of freedom on the battlefield, how could he endure the shackles of such ordinary days?
"I thought about it for many days. During that time, there would be news of you stirring up trouble in the capital every day. There were some people who said that the Protector General's family was valiant and heroic, yet this devil incarnate had to be from their family, and how pitiable their family was." These words caused Guan Shanjin to burst out laughing. His charming, alluring eyes curved up along with his laugh, and they were like little hooks, scratching away at Mr. Lu's heart.
"The devil incarnate? Those days of being young and wild and free, your words do make me miss them." How could Guan Shanjin not know how the citizens of the capital had been talking about him? Some of the names and words they used even came from himself."As such, you took that opportunity to meet me?"
"Yes. I wanted to meet you, to see how you were doing. I had always been thinking about you." Mr. Lu's expression was a little hesitant, and his hand on his knee, which was free from Guan Shanjin, moved. In the end, he still could not help himself, and he cupped Guan Shanjin's face with the hand."When I lured you over to meet me, at that time, I had no confidence at all. After all, so many years had passed, and I was no longer that youth of those years. For all I knew, you might not even remember me anymore."
"I remembered." This reserved, elegant, graceful man that was always dressed in white, looking just like the reflection of moonlight on water, had deeply carved himself into Guan Shanjin's heart, and Guan Shanjin could never forget him.
Mr. Lu's eyes brightened suddenly, seemingly filled with both delight and shyness."Yes, you remembered... Under the revolving lamps, you called out to me."
Although Guan Shanjin was dressed entirely in black, looking both proud and aloof, his image still stirred up the emotions within Mr. Lu's heart.
They were clearly within the swath of mallow plants in Bastion City, but it was as though they had returned to that day of many years past. Under the countless lamps, they only had each other in their eyes.
Guan Shanjin sighed lightly. He pressed onto Mr. Lu's hand that was caressing his face, closing his eyes and stroking it gently. It made Mr. Lu's heart beat faster, his face blushing red.
Their hands were currently interlocked together, and were difficult to be split apart.
"Laoshi, did you look for me today to reminisce about the past?" A moment later, Guan Shanjin let go of Mr. Lu's hand, his tone abruptly turning somewhat icy.
The past was still the past, the previous joy and tenderness only made things now look even more comical and foolish.
With the sudden dissipation of warmth, Mr. Lu looked at Guan Shanjin mutely, as though he had not expected that he could change so quickly.
"Laoshi, don't you have anything else you'd like to say to me?" This question sounded rather aggressive. Mr. Lu pulled his hand back, rubbing at the warmth that had yet to fade away. Momentarily, he seemed a little tearful.
"I..." Mr. Lu gritted his teeth, and it seemed as though he had finally come to a decision."Haiwang, I understand that the reason you were previously so good to Wu Xingzi was because you saw my shadow in him. I'm the one who let you down. Because of the teacher-student relation between us, I was unwilling to let our relationship change. All these years, I've known all along that you like me, yet I didn't dare to return your affections."
"Oh?" Guan Shanjin's face darkened further. These words could not make one feel relieved, but even seemed as though they were adding salt to the wound.
"Haiwang, actually, at that time, I've already... already..." Mr. Lu looked very conflicted, his eyes reddened, yet he was unable to continue. Biting his lip, he gave up, bowing his head and refusing to speak anymore.
Faltering like this only caused Guan Shanjin to feel annoyed. Keeping his silence, he stared at Mr. Lu, and he had no intention to help him out.
Such silence endured for more than a quarter of an hour. Again, it was still Mr. Lu who had to give in. Complaining and grumbling internally, Mr. Lu felt uneasy. He was unable to surmise exactly what Guan Shanjin was thinking, and anxiously, he tightened his fists, leaving marks in his palms.
"Haiwang, I do like you..." Finally admitting to his feelings, Mr. Lu seemed to have gained courage from it, and he met Guan Shanjin's eyes again.
He saw Guan Shanjin first freeze, then reveal an expression of disbelief, and finally smile lightly, like spring blooming upon his face.
"Laoshi, do you mean it?"
"Yes..." Mr. Lu quietly reached out and held onto Guan Shanjin's hand that was on the table, then nodded his head vigorously."I mean it completely and sincerely."
"Is that so..." Guan Shanjin turned his wrist, twining his fingers together with Mr. Lu's, looking just like he was cherishing something valuable."Then, let's cancel the wedding tomorrow! Since we have finally mutually confirmed our affections for each other, then, there's nothing to do with that Yue girl anymore."
"Hold on!" Mr. Lu had not expected that Guan Shanjin's brain would work so quickly. He did not lose himself in ecstasy at all, and this reaction made Mr. Lu's tone turn anxious.
"Hmm?" Guan Shanjin tilted his head at him in incomprehension, as though he did not understand why he had to be stopped.
"Haiwang, the wedding has to happen." This was the true objective of Mr. Lu for having chosen this day to talk to Guan Shanjin.
"Laoshi, you mean..." Guan Shanjin's brows knitted. It was evident that he was unhappy.
"Haiwang, you know that I'm the only one left in my Lu family. Before my parents departed, their only wish was that I could continue our family's line." Mr. Lu held onto Guan Shanjin's hand tightly, afraid that he would free himself from his grip and leave.
"This means..." Guan Shanjin's words tasted of bitterness."Laoshi, you still want to marry that Yue girl, and carry on your family line? Laoshi, exactly where am I in your heart?"
"Haiwang, the two of us belong to each other, but there are some things that cannot be settled with just affection alone. I understand that I'm selfish, and if you're angry with me, then it's best that we part. From now on, we'll go our own way, and just forget about me." Mr. Lu then dropped Guan Shanjin's hand, turning his head away. Under the flickering light, there seemed to be a tear stain on his cheek.
"Laoshi..." Guan Shanjin's voice was filled with pain. His warm fingers stroked that tear stain, and the action was followed by a sigh."Then Laoshi, what would you like me to do? Watch as the person who is supposed to belong to me marry someone else and have a child with them?"
"Haiwang, just wait for me. When Miss Yue gives birth to a child, I'll definitely return to your side. Believe me, alright?" Mr. Lu turned and threw himself into Guan Shanjin's arms, nuzzling into his chest, reluctant to leave."You also need a child yourself. The Protector General's family has always had only one descendent for so many generations, and your family line cannot end at you. When you return to the capital, you should marry a wife and have a child as well, then we'll be able to spend the rest of our lives together."
Guan Shanjin hugged Mr. Lu tightly, burying his face in his hair. His voice was muffled as he spoke, "Laoshi... as long as you like it, I'll do everything just as you say."
Just like the past, as long as Mr. Lu said it, Guan Shanjin would be able to fulfil all his desires.
Sprawled in Guan Shanjin's arms, Mr. Lu exhaled heavily, finally at ease. As for Guan Shanjin, he concealed his own feelings, his lips quirking up coldly.
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